one hoop nose ring, size 4 wood plugs, endless cups of coffee, and way too many psychoanalyzation sessions later, she refound herself.

Today I found out that the boy I'd recently been involved with, exchanged "i love yous", and ripped myself away from just three weeks ago because of him being scared to0 date me due to the immediate inevitable sincerity and the whole situation turning into a certain "love triangle", is now dating the girl who not only was the third party in that love triangle, but also someone he told me he only continued talking to because he knew if he stopped, she would probably quite literally commit suicide.

Granted, I haven written a blog in quite some time and granted, I'm now restarting on an immature rant over stupid boy issues, but I write better when I'm angry, and I think today marked a final day of revelation for me.

Sometimes you have to have your heart truly torn out of your chest, stomped on, thrown in a blender, soaked in lemon juice, then tarred, feathered, and sand papered before you can truly move on. Sometimes it takes hating someone for how much pain they've caused you to realize that you need to stop focusing on relationships and move the hell on with your life.

The last three weeks have been fantastic. Cutting myself off from an entire group of friends has never felt so satisfying. Finishing school, working my ass off, and only socializing with a select few "gems" has left me feeling on top of the world and for the first time in four years I truly feel that I don't need a member of the opposite sex to fill a gap in my life.

And today just solidified that fact.

I'm ready to take on the world. I'm thirsty for experiences. And in the end, due to my actions through the past six months, if no one believes in me, I still have hope. I have hope for myself. That I'm bigger than all this and I don't want to care about others' opinions. I'm ready to do things for me, not to impress anybody.

I'm tired of talking about it. I'm ready to do. Be a new me.

SCAD Admissions Essay..

            Being catapulted into a completely opposite environment than ones used to can cause a desperate need for one to find a way of self- expression.  When I was in the sixth grade I moved from hip hop and happenin’ Kansas City to Avant, Oklahoma (population: 500).  In doing so, my life, obviously, was completely changed.  My normal morning routine of watching cartoons before school was replaced by waking up at the crack of dawn to feed 20 horses.  The well-funded elementary school placed in the middle of suburbia populated by blonde, polo-wearing rich kids was replaced by Avant school, where each classroom contained two grade levels because there were only about 80 students in the entire K-8^th building.  All the kids there wore Walmart brands and within the first week I was exposed to an entirely new vocabulary.  I was a city girl thrown into the country, doomed to live at the summer camp my family owned and lived at until I graduated.  Though this may all sound tragic, I believe that moving from one extreme to another has molded me into the person I am now and definitely has brought forth my interest in photography.  New experiences are meant to inspire creativity and that’s just what it did for me. 

            It all began with Xanga.  Taking pictures of your social life was somewhat of a requirement in order to fully illustrate your popularity.  Armed with a point and shoot, I attempted to record my surroundings.  Slowly, I evolved from typical “in the bathroom mirror” pictures and “hey look here’s me and my friends dressed like the Backstreet Boys”, to Myspace, then to Facebook, and all of a sudden my images started to draw people’s attention.  Capturing moments in time had turned into an escape for me, a way to look at reality without being crammed in the middle of it.  

            To me, SCAD is an opportunity for inspiration.  It’s a picture perfect way out of Oklahoma.  It’s a place where my dreams and aspirations for a future in the art world are shared with more than just the three members of the Skiatook High School Art Club.  All my decisions in life have leaned towards being an artist, whether that be in photography, writing, design, or drawing, I don’t know.  But what I do know is that nothing makes me happier than creating and new experiences.  I’ve found that when I’m doing something I truly love I’m overcome with a complete sense of self and being.  So naturally, the idea of being shipped off to an art school a million miles away from home where I’d be submerged in a melting pot of imagination sounds like heaven.  I can think of no better way of finding satisfaction and meaning in life than surrounding myself with art and creativity.  Self-expression is something I’ve learned is a necessity in order to survive and through SCAD I know that that need will undoubtedly be met. 

            

Introduction?

So I did it.  I finally got a blog.  Apparently, (according to my mother) these things are the smartest and most efficient ways for a person to get their name out into the world.  So here you go Mother dear, I do actually care about my future.  Truth be told I have no idea what's expected to be shown as one's first. ever. blog entry. (dun dun dunnnn...)  I mean... I haven't done this kind of thing since the days of xanga and "prop" giving.  Back when my username was "reddytwotoes" for some God awful reason.  (I swear I have all the toes a human being is supposed to have.)  Anyways?  I guess you start out these things by introducing yourself?  So I can come back to this one day, read it, and laugh my ass off thinking how lame I was/am.  Hi.  My names Maddy.  And I'm a closet alcoholic.  hahahahahahhahahahahha

J. K. 

My names Maddy.  I had a strange obsession with Chris Brown up until about two days ago when I realized him apparently beating up his girlfriend probably meant he would do the same to me if I ever managed to find and seduce him like I'd been planning.  It was a major let down I must say.  I haven't been so emotionally involved in a complete strangers life since Heath Ledger overdosed the very day I got my drivers license (ruined my day.)  

I get called a "ginger" mostly by guys that want to have sex with me.  I guess putting someone under a label derived from a South Park episode is a turn on.  I'm a pro at accidently making people feel stupid.  It's a gift.  And causes a lot of drama.  Which goes along with me being a frequent user of sarcasm.  People who take me seriously all the time are usually the ones being offended and made to feel stupid.  I'm also a pro at using fragments.  Clearly.  I always get these great, creative ideas, but I never act on them, or sometimes  I do.  And they are shot down.  No, not shot, more like being demolished, ripped into a billion pieces, and then liquidated, forever devastating my dignity in that area.  For example, the other day I decided I was going to do something straight forward and impulsive, so I texted this random kid I'd been crushing on, but am always scared to talk to so (on impulse and with total confidence) I'm like "G mon! Whachoo doin this weekend?" via text message.  And after about 20 minutes, I get a three letter reply "Idk."  aka "I don't want to talk to you", REJECTED!! EPIC. FAIL!!!  I'm kind of anal and paranoid about one word texts...  I was totally planning on asking him to go cow-tipping or something too....  I react on my emotions without thinking.  And everyone at my school thinks I'm strung out on crack or something everyday.  

I usually feel out of place, even in my own body.  Deep.  Maybe that means, just like every other typical teenager, I'm working on finding myself.  I hope one day people see me as that free-spirited girl you see in the movies.  The one that dances to the beat of her own drum with one hand waving in the air, dresses in faux fur and bright colors, is blunt beyond belief, knows good food and where to find it, and always has that picturesque guy falling in love with her because she's a never-before seen breed of woman. 

I think that's a good "first blog" length...